Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Way With Words: How To Be All Eloquent

The key to being more eloquenter than you were before is to articulate words in a fancy order that not only makes people think you know stuff but leaves them with a warm and somewhat fuzzy feeling about these things without really knowing why.
Most people aren’t born all eloquent and stuff. Remember – Even people who speak really, really good (Barack Obama, William F. Buckley, Tracy Morgan) did not start out with a headful of beautiful and transitory words at their disposal. They were small babies just like I and you, barely able to discern small differences between a spoon and a heart lung machine. Talking good takes hard work and some other stuff probably. I don’t have all the answers.
But I’m almost pretty sure that way, way back in the past words came first from the mouth and then later someone much smarter than you figured out how to render these words into a visual form of sorts - thus the written language some people still use today! In fact without this thought transformation to the page we wouldn’t have any blogs today. We would have skipped right to vlogs.
Conveying thoughts all eloquent with your mouth can be fun and profitable! I’m not sure where or how but I’ve heard this from people wearing clothes much newer than mine. I’m almost positive you could find out somewhere how to do this.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

"Practicing abstinence, bride and groom have never kissed"

Who ARE these people??!!
And more importantly . . .Seemless readers can win a vhs copy of
Weird Science if they can guess the date that Claudaniel Fabien (the groom) comes out of the closet. (yeah, you read that right.....Claudaniel Fabien.)
sheesh . .why do i even look at the news anymore? Fuck.
some poor schmuck working as a temp at Walmart got his Christmas Greetings early this year. Thanks America! And keep shopping! You Fat Fucks!

OK OK, I'll try and get back on the Happy Train before i write again...but don't hold your breath.. i may be heading into the dark tunnel of truthiness here for awhile...but maybe not. the future is a vague place for sure. You Never Know.

PS..and why a vhs of
Weird Science? that was the first one i saw here in the pile that i didnt mind losing. OK? OK.

alright i'm off tonight to shoot another jazz show at Cafe Maude tonight. C'mon up if you're so inclined. Last nights was pretty damn good - and this from a guy not so into jazz so much kinda.


Friday, November 21, 2008

Today's Scores

PLUS Special Bonus Addendum!

Cubs 7
Dolphins 2

Sally Rogers 4
Travis Bickle 5

The Dead Sea 8
Swan Lake

Stuff that’s more perpendicular than you initially thought 5
Tommy John surgery 1

Ceramic protagonists 4
Semi dramatic underwear 3

Praising Allah 1
Waltzing Matildas 5

Tarzan 3
Mongo 8

The Herb Alpert Foundation 5
The Artie Miller Experience 6

your first carnival ride 4
Words that rhyme with Mussolini that aren’t pastas 2

Total Honesty 12
driving in your car alone and listening to songs on the radio that make you cry, whether out of sadness or happiness 8

Blondes 1
Brunettes 7

barbed wire 5
Barb Dwyer 3

Masturbating just for something to do 3
Alfieri, Bindo, Carlo, Ettore, Ernesto and Mario Maserati 2

Late bloomers 9
Early trousers 5

realizations that feel like a frying pan to the face 3
Pickup Sticks 8

Penis envy 5
Testicular cancer 2

Do not pass Go 3
Do not collect $200 1

Nymphomania 6
Lester Holt 2

Where Miller sometimes goes for inspiration while writing “Today’s Scores” 2
Jeopardy! 3

Stormy Monday 8
Ruby Tuesday 5

Going down 11
Getting up 0

So Yeah folks there are your scores for today. Who woulda thought masturbating for something to do would beat some italian brothers who make cars.
and now for the hell of it here are some outtakes from recent and not so recent Todays Scores...ones that didn't make the final cut for whatever reason.

Hillary Swank’s Publicist.
Getting that thing on your back removed.
Lining up end to end every toilet you’ve ever used, chronologically.

Sasha Obama
The economic pendulum
Moustache wax
The Great Patchouli Workplace Conflict
Birthdaygasms How the whole idea of Rosie O’Donnell has affected your life

Pakistanis When push comes to love Vinyl Cut Pro
the odds of hearing a Steeler's Wheel song on the radio that ISN'T "Stuck In The Middle With You".
French clothespins
Traversing the known Protracted inebriations
Head Feeling like the Best of the Fest and leaving like an honorable mention Purple

The Glasgow Menagerie Like kindergarten, only more so Letters of the alphabet that could be described as “curvy”.
Time, but without the numbers

Don Knotts Taking six weeks to pull off a band-aid Levitra takers who had a four hour erection but didn’t call their doctor
3 dead roses, for instance
Four sided triangles
Albanian panhandlers
Howard Roark

The third thingamajig from the right
Lithuanians who play Twister

Listening to Chaka Kahn sing “Sweet Thing” while dancing slow with your wife in a candlelit room.

Monday, November 17, 2008

hey miller

A SeemlessUniverse reader asks: hey Miller who are your influences? and i say theres alot but here's eight for starters. i'm sure I'll think of eight more some night when i haven't written shit for awhile and need to fill some space here and anyway Brian Regan is on Conan in a minute so i'm gonna hit 'publish post' and speaking of i think i'll let you all peak behind the curtain as it were here at Seemlessuniverse...this is what it looks like from here

so there

Saturday, November 8, 2008


OK here i am writing to explain why i haven't been writing of late.
I've got a big grant proposal due early next week I've been putting off for a variety of reasons we don't need to go in to here. But my head is on straight now Readers and I am diving into it. So I will be back at the blog again by late next week with the usual word-antics and whimsical thoughts regarding things and stuff. Trust me.
In the meantime here's a photo of my sis and her friend Maryann Moeller from years gone by.

yours truly
Coleman Miller
Assistant to the Junior Vice President, TeamMiller

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A Happy Day!

Getting back on track.

good riddance.