Friday, November 21, 2008

Today's Scores

PLUS Special Bonus Addendum!

Cubs 7
Dolphins 2

Sally Rogers 4
Travis Bickle 5

The Dead Sea 8
Swan Lake

Stuff that’s more perpendicular than you initially thought 5
Tommy John surgery 1

Ceramic protagonists 4
Semi dramatic underwear 3

Praising Allah 1
Waltzing Matildas 5

Tarzan 3
Mongo 8

The Herb Alpert Foundation 5
The Artie Miller Experience 6

your first carnival ride 4
Words that rhyme with Mussolini that aren’t pastas 2

Total Honesty 12
driving in your car alone and listening to songs on the radio that make you cry, whether out of sadness or happiness 8

Blondes 1
Brunettes 7

barbed wire 5
Barb Dwyer 3

Masturbating just for something to do 3
Alfieri, Bindo, Carlo, Ettore, Ernesto and Mario Maserati 2

Late bloomers 9
Early trousers 5

realizations that feel like a frying pan to the face 3
Pickup Sticks 8

Penis envy 5
Testicular cancer 2

Do not pass Go 3
Do not collect $200 1

Nymphomania 6
Lester Holt 2

Where Miller sometimes goes for inspiration while writing “Today’s Scores” 2
Jeopardy! 3

Stormy Monday 8
Ruby Tuesday 5

Going down 11
Getting up 0

So Yeah folks there are your scores for today. Who woulda thought masturbating for something to do would beat some italian brothers who make cars.
and now for the hell of it here are some outtakes from recent and not so recent Todays Scores...ones that didn't make the final cut for whatever reason.

Hillary Swank’s Publicist.
Getting that thing on your back removed.
Lining up end to end every toilet you’ve ever used, chronologically.

Sasha Obama
The economic pendulum
Moustache wax
The Great Patchouli Workplace Conflict
Birthdaygasms How the whole idea of Rosie O’Donnell has affected your life

Pakistanis When push comes to love Vinyl Cut Pro
the odds of hearing a Steeler's Wheel song on the radio that ISN'T "Stuck In The Middle With You".
French clothespins
Traversing the known Protracted inebriations
Head Feeling like the Best of the Fest and leaving like an honorable mention Purple

The Glasgow Menagerie Like kindergarten, only more so Letters of the alphabet that could be described as “curvy”.
Time, but without the numbers

Don Knotts Taking six weeks to pull off a band-aid Levitra takers who had a four hour erection but didn’t call their doctor
3 dead roses, for instance
Four sided triangles
Albanian panhandlers
Howard Roark

The third thingamajig from the right
Lithuanians who play Twister

Listening to Chaka Kahn sing “Sweet Thing” while dancing slow with your wife in a candlelit room.


pilbox said...


that was exactly what i needed to read just now...

Art Happy said...

I think I'm going to go slow dance with my wife, although that driving in my car alone and listening to songs on teh radio that make me cry thing sounds good too.